Brenda Drake Writes is hosting a blogfest where 4 awesome YA readers will be critiquing our work. Before we send in our “official” submissions, we post a log line and the first 250 words of our mss for other writers in the contest to critique. Entries for the contest are accepted until June 20th.
Title: Arrow of the Mist
Genre: YA Fantasy
My 35-word Pitch:
Saving her beloved father is all 15-year-old Lia hopes to do after barbed roots emerge from the woods and attack him, until Lia learns the person she reveres the most is behind the murderous roots.
MY REVISED PITCH: Saving her beloved father is all 15-year-old Lia hopes to do after barbed roots emerge from the woods and attack him, until she’s enticed to serve the master behind the roots instead.
Koun’s howl alerted Lia to the pair of horses charging up the path. She squinted in the dusky light and recognized Da’s friend, Kenneth, upon one horse. Then her insides went cold. Across the other horse’s back lay Da’s limp body.
Lia dropped the harvested mallow root and sped from her garden to the cottage, her hound darting ahead. Ma’s scream shot like arrows through her heart, but Kenneth’s words, “He’s alive, Carin,” offered Lia a morsel of hope.
Kenneth carried him into the cottage, and Lia caught a glimpse of Da’s torn and bloodied clothing. “I’ll fetch Granda,” she cried, and hurried to her filly.
Clad in her usual boy’s breeches and high leather boots, Lia raced her horse down the path with her heart pounding in rhythm to the hoof beats. Stay strong, Da! Just a little longer, and Granda will be there to heal you.
Why hadn’t the dreams forewarned her? They showed her when the mares or ewes would give birth, or when visitors were coming from afar, but her fate-dreams had failed to give a timely warning for Da.
She blazed across waves of shamrock green hills dotted with the ancient quartz towers unique to Rockberg. She turned down the main road and rushed into the heart of the village. A few villagers lifted curious eyes, but many only cast contemptuous glances her way.