Submitting the first 250 words of my completed manuscript to the Show Me The Voice Blogest/Contest

I can either submit as-is, or take comments from fellow bloggers and revise before I submit final version. Any opinions?

Name: Christina Mercer
Title: Arrow of the Mist
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy (traditional)

Chapter 1

A pair of horses charged toward Lia’s cottage. She recognized Da’s friend, Kenneth, Then her insides went cold. Beside him, Da’s body lay limp upon his horse.

Lia dropped the harvested mallow root and sped from her garden. Ma’s scream shot like arrows through her heart, but Kenneth’s words, “He’s alive, Carin,” offered her a measure of hope.

Kenneth carried Da into the cottage, and Lia caught a glimpse of his torn and bloodied clothing. “I’ll fetch Granda,” she cried, and hurried to her horse.

Why hadn’t the dreams forewarned her? They presaged when the mares or ewes would give birth, or when visitors were coming from afar, but her fate-dreams had failed to give a timely warning for Da.

Clad in her usual boy’s breeches and high leather boots, Lia raced her horse down the path with her heart pounding in rhythm to the hoof beats.

Stay strong, Da! Just a little longer, and Granda will be there to heal you.

She blazed across waves of shamrock green hills dotted with the ancient quartz towers unique to Rockberg. She turned down the main road and rushed into the heart of the village. A few villagers lifted curious eyes, but many only cast annoyed glances her way.

She jumped off her horse and bolted into the makeshift store where she found her Granda Luis at the counter cutting a bundle of willow-weed. “Come quick, it’s Da!”

Granda’s eyes widened upon her, and he reached for his walking staff. “What’s happened, child?”